there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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