I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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