the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
