Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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