why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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