I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
