be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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