She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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