Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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