Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
