I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
