Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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