the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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