I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We need a shit load of segways right now
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize