her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
