Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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