its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
