You can't special order awesome
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
