Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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