Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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