I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize