i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
