I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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