i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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