New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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