I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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