I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
