i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
