three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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