He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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