i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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