I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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