he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Drake has all the answers
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
