There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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