cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
