The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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