is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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