here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
