Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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