NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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