dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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