I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
