Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
