Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
