They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
be right there i have to get my cape
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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