Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
