I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Randomize
