I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
