Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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