I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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