Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
