Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
