hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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