mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
are you so shy because you have an std?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
