Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
