you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize