How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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