I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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