a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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