I'm lost and stupid without you.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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