Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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