there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Pappa wants mamma naked
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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