About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
