I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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